My first broken heart: Mary

I was always very guarded with my feelings when I was growing up.  I think because I didn’t want to get hurt.  It was easier not to let someone know that I liked them, than to risk getting my feelings hurt, or my heart broken.  

Right up until the end of my undergraduate degree, I never had a steady boyfriend.  In fact, I would say I never had a “boyfriend” period.  I went out a lot, but I called it “hanging out.”  I never called it dating.

But near the end of my last year of my undergraduate year there was one guy in particular that I hung out with who I liked enough that I thought maybe he and I could be a couple.  Around the same time I was seeing a psychologist from time to time (Sheldon, whom everybody loves) to talk about the usual stresses associated with life, and he suggested that maybe it was time for me to give love a try.  Maybe I could take a risk and tell someone I liked them and wanted to be with them?

I always do my homework, so I went right out and sort of ambushed this friend after a party.  I kissed him and told him I really liked him and that I thought  we had  lot in common and that maybe we could spend more time together alone.  That was a big jump for me.  I told him to think about it.

For a week we didn’t really have a chance to talk, but I thought about him and the possibility that we could be a couple all the time.  I was really excited about the idea of being together with him.  Then he invited me to go to hear the orchestra with him.  I had so much fun.  On the way home, he told me that he thought it wouldn’t really be a good idea.  We were part of a bigger group of about 8 people who hung out together as a group all the time and he thought it would be better if we were just friends.

Looking back, and when I write it down, it doesn’t seem like such a big deal.  But I was crushed.  My heart literally hurt.  I could feel it aching.  I did not know that a broken heart could actually feel broken.

I guess one of the most important things I learned (after many days of feeling really crumby) was that there was not really much to be done except to move on.  I guess I am a pretty practical person.

I am pretty sure I listened to the Bonnie Raitt song “I can’t make you love me” a lot in the days that followed.  Incidentally, Bon Iver has recently done an awesome cover of that song.  I recommend it to anyone feeling the pains of a broken heart.  Music is one of my best healers.  Another great song for a broken heart is “You made me love you.”  I recommend the Rufus Wainwright version.  But my best song for moving on after a broken heart is “The show must go on”  -- the Queen version or the Moulin Rouge version.

But back to my story.  It is a good thing I am a practical person.  Because a couple of month later I found out that this fellow who I had confessed my love to, in fact, was interested in my best friend.  I should have been crushed.  But I was just too practical for that.  Yes it hurt.  For sure.  But what could I do?

As my good friend Ethel (who is 94) said to me this week, “If you can’t change it, you might as well just accept it and keep living your life.  No point sitting around crying.  Move on and keep having fun.”

Mary